A Thousand Miles

Thursday, June 18, 2009

"Wicked Road To Nowhere" @ 5:53 PM

A lot had happened since I last post. Now, I'm starting to doubt my future. I'm not sure what is right or which is wrong. I am - leaving SMK Taman Connaught. I should've been very happy as I was wishing for it to come eversince that tragedy had happened in the early of the year. Was very unhappy almost everyday. Things I do, there'll be definitely a mistake, something not done right. Been scold, been blamed, been every worst nightmare I've ever dreamt. But somehow, after the exam, after the holidays. Things doesn't seem that way that much as it was before anymore. Why? I should've been very happy that I my parents finally allowed me to transfer back. Yet now, I feel like I don't wana leave? What is wrong? What makes me want to stay here as I was so unhappy for almost the whole half year being here? My mind, can't stop thinking about it. Thinking that I'm about to leave. Going back to Perimbun. Was it or not a good or wise decision? Is staying a wise decision? What makes me wana stay? Is it the because of the good teachers here? My class teacher - Pn Usha? Or was it the great one-of-my-idol disciplinary teacher Mr.John? Or was it all of it which includes those best teachers the school ready provided for the first class students - the best? Maybe it's the because of the positions I hold now? Class monitor of 4S1, Ketua Publisiti of "The Connaughtian Awards" or choir's future chairman? I don't know! Really! Maybe another part of myself is fear of letting down all my friends, peoples I know, teachers too. I'm afraid? I''m so confused right now. Everything around me doesn't seem right. I once told myself, reminded myself to appreciate things you owned now. Because, when you have it, you won't feel like it. You would've wished for a better change and when you're about to lose it, you appreciate it. The feeling of regretness - too late! They had this personality test, I took it. It stats that I'm a "thinker", saying that I'm a person who always think a lot, dream, imagine...etc.
Yes, I guess I was that kind of person. Many people once said I looked blur, but NO! I was thinking something, thoughts inside me. That is why I wasn't there. My eyes, we're at no focus coz I'm so into my thoughts. That is why, why I looked blur. -.- Today, my mom brought me to apply for school shifting at Kajang's PPD. Before that, we had lunch at Tesco's food court. It's been approved. Now I'm really getting worry. Part of me wants me to tell my mom that I changed my mind. Another part of me tells me to just go on with whatever I am about to do now. There is - so many different me. Different thoughts from different parts. Changing and not changing has it's good and bad. I really do want to know, which will benefit me most? Life, is complex. Especially when we're growing up. From teens to adult. More responsibilities, more burdens to carry. Pressures and tenses from everywhere. Life. Complex.
I am wishing when I go back to Perimbun, I could straight wear back my PRS uniform. Start get back active to RCS. Praying, hoping, aiming for every highest position possible. But what's the chances of success? Damn low! Why? It's because the co-curriculum activities ends at August, and I'm coming back at June? How many months I have? Two? Two and a half? Not only that, the RCS's perlantikan is on September, that's what I heard. What's more worst it the teacher and the RCS's system. Positions is chosen by teachers! Not voting..nonono!
What Should I do? What Must I do? What Can I do?
I aimed high, should've succeed, but in my journey, I made too much wrong decisions. Things gone wrong. What gone is gone. Pasts can't be changed. Hurtful. Reality.

Time is getting short. I am - dying.